Don’t Fart in Spin Class!

spin

This morning, my 5:45 am spin class was treated to a barrage of offensive smelling flatulence for pretty much the full duration of class. It was so bad I pulled my sweaty Lulu tank over my nose, and stuffed my nose into my own armpit because I would rather smell my own sweat (hey, I put deodorant on!) than a fellow spinner’s gas while trying to sprint up a hill. It’s simply too early for that sh*t, and I’m kind of getting the internal gags just thinking about it. There is a restroom only 30 feet away – this person could have simply gotten up, gone to the rest room, tooted away and then come back and enjoyed the rest of the class without suffocating their fellow gym-goers (hey, I eat healthy and gas happens – just be a dear and leave the room when it does!). And okay, if it happens once – fine, we’ve all been there, HOWEVER this person is a repeat offender (it’s just not okay). Just. Don’t. Do. It. Which brings me to…

How to not be an Asshole at the Gym by L

1. Don’t be a yeller.

braveheart-mel-gibson

This image *kinda* terrifies me.

Grunts happen, heaving breathing happens – totally acceptable. But there really is no need to release a window-shattering primordial howl/thunderous roar while you’re lifting weights. First of all, you’re going to scare the sh*t out of me, and second of all – I think I may have just lost my hearing. Are you wearing a kilt? Are you running into battle in Braveheart? If you answered no, then yelling is totally unnecessary.

xena

The same goes for you, Xena.

2. Wear proper gym attire.

gym workout

Lol wut.

Are we welding things today? Laying concrete? No, you’re just here to work out? Ah I see…that does not explain why you are wearing jeans with a tucked in white undershirt and leather work boots to the gym. You *may* split your pants if you try to do a burpee in those. No, don’t do…okaaay. We are now running on the treadmill in jeans. Yikes. Also, ladies – there really is no need for me to see your actual ass cheeks/enough cleavage to get you into the club without paying cover/underboob before 6 am. Or, ever.

3. Re-rack your weights (i.e. put your shiz BACK).

bad weight

No.

weight rack

YES.

It’s super annoying on Work It Out Wednesday when the first 5-10 minutes of my workout is spent cleaning up after the bro squad that just abandoned our workout area. Oh, so you just managed to pump out 4.35 bench presses with the dumb bells that weigh more than me, R and A combined, and then proceeded to hurl them violently away from your body (which are now in my way on the floor)? No, no – don’t go hit on the uninterested girl who just started looking really busy choosing her next song on her iPod – put the damn weights back. Where did they come from? Did they just appear in front of you? No? Oh okay, well your mom isn’t here to clean up after you, so please put them back where they belong. If you managed to lift it, you can muster up the strength to carry it back to the rack.

rack-your-weights-e1410292336592

4. Don’t be gross.

britney

Be a clean and tidy person. Wipe down your equipment (spin bike, bench, whatever) after you’re done using it. I do not want to lay/sit in your sweat (eeeeeeeeuuuuuughhhhhhh). We are all sharing our personal space/bubbles, and we all have to change/shower/get ready in this common space. It’s hard enough to pull your skinny jeans up, like a pair of too-small stockings, after you’ve emerged from the shower into a steamy room of blow-drying, super impatient urban professionals. For the love of all that is holy, don’t be disgusting!

Bonus Round:

creepin

Nothankyou.

  1. Don’t be a creeper.
  2. No one wants your advice.
  3. Get off your phone – you have no additional likes on your Instagram selfie, bro.
  4. Don’t monopolize equipment – sharing means caring. ❀

Dude, just don’t be an asshole. Don’t do it. We all are there to enjoy our workout. Let’s all help each other do that, and the world will be a better place all around.

duh2

With warmth,

L

21 thoughts on “Don’t Fart in Spin Class!

  1. yes, get off the phone, you are not in a bubble and secondly, yelling into the phone, I do not care about your sex life with your ‘boo’. Also, the mats are not a social area, there is no laying down next to your friend and chatting about ‘like stuff’ …other people need to do core workouts and stretch, damn it.

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  2. OMG – you made me laugh! I was at the gym recently and a girl in front of me had on a very low cut top and a flimsy bra. She had to keep stopping to put her boobs back inside her top. Laughed my ass off.

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  3. OMG So funny..it smelled SO bad. I was talking to Mike about it after class. I was gagging a few times .. eeewwww! SO good to see you as always!!

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  4. You know what is a “do” at the gym in my book??? If you are “lucky” enough to be in view of the cardio station (no, not in a creepy way) and you happen to be working out at the same time that a gym-diva* is working out. I LOOVE when that happens, it just makes me so happy, that someone is having SO much fun working out, and does.not.care that people are looking, will rock out anyways!

    *the person that simultaneously runs/elipticizes while lipsyncing with EMOTION to their playlist.

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  5. OMG the free weights and the not wiping down your machines situations always get me. Especially on the bikes. Like do I really want to sit you in your swass (sweaty ass) puddle for the duration of my workout? Probs not.
    Thanks for saying what we were all thinking πŸ˜‰

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